Family Conflict During the Holidays: Being Part of the Solution

The holidays have a way of bringing out both the best and the hardest parts of family life. There’s warmth, nostalgia, and connection—but also tension, old wounds, and unspoken expectations that can make gatherings feel more stressful than joyful. I’ve seen this so many times, both in my therapy office and around my own table: people who deeply want peace, but find themselves tangled in patterns that lead to conflict instead. The good news is, you don’t have to get swept up in the same old family dynamics. You can be part of the solution—without getting walked on in the process. Let’s talk about how.

Notice How You May Be Fueling the Fire

When we think about family conflict, it’s easy to focus on what everyone else is doing wrong. But healing and change often begin with quiet self-awareness—recognizing our own patterns and the small ways we might be keeping the cycle going.

Here are a few subtle ways people unknowingly fuel tension during family gatherings:

• Jumping in to fix or mediate every disagreement. It often comes from a good heart, but stepping into the middle can sometimes make things worse or keep others from taking responsibility for their behavior.
• Using sarcasm or passive comments. Little remarks meant to “lighten the mood” can carry sharp edges. Sometimes humor is really just hurt in disguise.
• Rehashing old stories that re-open wounds. You might not mean to, but retelling certain family memories can pull people right back into old roles or resentments.
• Avoiding honesty to “keep the peace.” When we don’t speak up about what’s not okay, resentment grows quietly until it explodes later.

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If any of these sound familiar, take a deep breath. The goal isn’t guilt—it’s awareness. Once you see how the patterns work, you have the power to choose something different.

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Know What You Can (and Can’t) Control

One of the hardest truths about family conflict is that you can only control your side of the equation. You can’t make your uncle stop making political comments, or your sibling handle stress differently. But you can decide how you show up. Try asking yourself:

• What kind of energy do I want to bring into this room?
• What boundaries do I need to feel safe and grounded?
• What is my role—and what is not my role—this holiday season?

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Clarity creates peace. The more you know your limits and intentions, the less likely you are to get pulled into dynamics that drain you.

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Set Boundaries with Grace

Healthy boundaries are not walls; they’re doors with locks—meant to help you stay safe while still allowing connection. You might say, “I’d love to come, but I’ll only be staying for dinner this year,” or, “I’m not comfortable discussing that topic today—let’s talk about something else.”

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You can be kind and clear. Firmness doesn’t make you unloving; it makes you honest.

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Boundaries also mean taking care of yourself before and after family gatherings. Take a walk, call a friend, or plan some quiet recovery time afterward. Protecting your peace is part of being healthy, not selfish.

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Choose Connection Where You Can

Even in families with tension, there are often moments of connection waiting to be noticed—shared laughter, a small act of kindness, or a familiar tradition that still feels grounding. Try to look for those moments and nurture them. Focus on the parts of your relationships that can grow, instead of trying to fix the ones that aren’t ready yet. Sometimes, the best way to create change is to model what peace looks like rather than trying to force it.

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Being Part of the Solution

Being part of the solution doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine. It means choosing calm over chaos, awareness over reaction, and compassion over control. You can love your family and still protect your boundaries. You can show up with grace while also stepping back when needed. And you can contribute to healing—even when others aren’t ready to.

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This holiday season, may you find strength in self-awareness, peace in your boundaries, and small moments of connection that remind you love is still possible—even in imperfect families.

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Warmly,

Carissa

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Paladin MFT

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About

Carissa Lataillade is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Clarita, CA. She is passionate about helping people navigate seasons of change, loss, and healing with compassion and honesty. Through her writing, therapy practice, and speaking engagements, Carissa creates spaces where people can show up as they are and begin to rebuild with hope.

If you would like to connect for therapy or to invite Carissa to speak at your event, please visit PaladinMFT.com/contact.

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